And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
