i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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