I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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