Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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