i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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