his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
