So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
