Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
