I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
