I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
