I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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