you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
