why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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