Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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