Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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