When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
