I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
