I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
