Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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