I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
