my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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