You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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