If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
