I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
