They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
