Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
