okay pat passed out under dana's car
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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