Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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