Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
