Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
