I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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