I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
