Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
