Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
