question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
