remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Text me some of your sweat
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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