when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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