The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
They took my balls.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
