There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
