I will die if light touches me.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
