and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I love you.
Bad choice
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
