Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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