She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
