Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
