Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
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