The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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