Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
