Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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