Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
