You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
