Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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