Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
