Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
