This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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