I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
